duskq

people from the past just don't even understand the concept. that they just wouldnt know me anymore. i don't know i guess it just annoys me- sometimes- to put myself in those settings again- good memories as well and nostalgia i cant help but _g_od, things changed so much thru the yrs i am not that same entrapped person who they have then labeled. i went thru a lot in that family and who it turned me into or out of, but did anyone ever understand the concept of true Culture-Shock even then? This is why i was "mysterious" This is why i kept to myself This is why So many things... and although i love to see them again they just have no idea who i am or what really went on or what i have learned about it after all this time, unless they kept up with me thru the yrs. its too much to explain out in words now at once. guess i'm just annoyed if people from then "know" me. i did not know me then myself and/or had the perspective of what was going on. cuz the thought of them talking about it now and throwing up all these assumptions still...............
guess this is for anyone who assumes anything about anyone who they don't know or assume they know from other- thru others i mean- from those others' perspectives, thru their own pain and biases................ not accepting the mere fact that people evolve as well as their own understandings of themselves, their faith in themselves their potential move towards connectedness in themselves and in the world around them. its what they fear the most.
this nausea these past few days has created a theme of purging for me. now i'm gonna try and eat something and hopefully it will stay down (even on here)

gzuscriest,whenthehellcanwe start doing this again...? spoke to the only brother who ever existed ever and here he is up in those stars beginning again and again the night he left behind a few or many years ago. we set the table, like a picnic, the tablecloth was almost red and white and just layed out the food like old days- remembering the same tastes as before and going along the way...

i wish that i would have done all these things earlier. by now to have done all this. but to have done all of those things, the things i want to do but can't do now cuz i'm where i am now. like what we were talking about- about wishing we were in our mid-20's and at least where we are now. cuz then at least there'd be some time to do all these things, or at least there wouldn't be this feeling- like something is missing, in everything. like i could've done all this already and i could've been somewhere else now- where i 'should' be... ...

surface is swept the black dot travels around like circles yet its soft and fuzzy and we don't yet know what to call it. in those books they named it gaia but we still are all trying to figure out whether we want it on our laps or not because at times it gets uncomfortable like the air does but we don't know till we are choked up for some reason and then we blame it on the moon. the date. the season. others. animals. ...

(kitten we fostered)

he's come a Loooong way.......

its just been happening more frequently where i get these flashes and i am in their house and it takes me several moments to snap out of it. i'm not exactly sure yet what it is that puts me there other than a specific sound but i know there are other things. in those moments, my body feels like it is there and that the house is layed out in the same way. i know that of course there is discomfort or fear involved, the way it Became my body back then- but it is more that i am still embodying it rather than realizing it consciously with my mind.

these images aren't of my house, but of gordon matta-clark's work in early-mid 70's. and the house is appropriately in new jersey (where i grew up).

how could you say that all.. when i can't tell you anything.. so you don't know.. that i am at the same place.. and i know...
there's not really much time. and the yrs go by so quickly. but i am strong in my place. here on this ground. set. with a glue so thick, i sometimes forget what i look like, to you, to everyone who supposedly has the same make-up as i. but i am different. so different i can't tell you. i'm so different you wouldn't recognize me. not even in the same skin, of the same blood...

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my ancestors got caught up and this was in the strait of messina, whirlpools formed by those greek myths, where the cylops still erupts, no bridges and few sailors- later owning them in italian- they fled following strings of family/ culture they barely remember but carry always and then reached a place across much more than straits btwn rocks, but where Nature was losing its name for more greenery which ideally seemed it could sustain a hard-working peasant family. just like the ocean took my father away from his mother (she'd stare at the strait crying), later came the daughter born out of the sea. in dreams i could remember traveling lengths which now require more than limbs and leaves, leaping from tree to tree never having touched the ground. mars has kept an eye on the whole thing, and although i'm a squirrel- mars still chooses sea over fire.

(Odysseus and his men drive a pointed stake into the eye of the Kyklops Polyphemos. The giant is depicted as a large, hairy man with an orb-shaped eye.)

"And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This very wish, if you use it calmly and prudently and like a tool, will help you spread out your solitude over a great distance. Most people have (with the help of conventions) turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition."

mispunctuality. line in water extending across flat water to the end of the water where the sun is. (solomar)
getting there is a task. getting there, i mean going there. in my mind i am often in those places in the past, and she says we need to figure out how to or i say i need to figure out how to look at things differently. can't change it. whats the reality of it? if i change the way i perceive it, done and passed, then what really happened? or should i just- no i don't want to just forget.
next week. by tomorrow? saturn moves up into 3degrees Leo. i learned so much this past week, or things just fell into their places and looked very real to me. very punctual, for me, everything was right on time.

anything, you can do it. go and try. the past says it (all).. and go see (it). forget that, go.. tomorrow. i haven't seen a thing yet. s/he wonders where it goes. and then.. however happy. however the liquid has spilled, thickness rare, note the color, where it goes, a hundred times, the sound of water, "your work looks like the sound of water" , how can it be, the marks. plastered. a hundred of them. frozen. stay there. going there. towards what we will do where we will go tomorrow. on the bus. or the bus running through our dream. past innocent towns. we held the cup in our hands and shared it. it stood there between us, frozen. we dropped it thoughts ran forward, like your eyes staring outside at land upon land the grass gets drier and rain falls but in between us, we haven't seen it yet. it only came then, tomorrow, the night keeps us still, and the sound of water... ...

"For a relationship between two individuals to proceed
harmoniously each must be aware of the other's point-of-view,
his goals, feelings, and intentions, and each must so adjust his
own behaviour that some alignment of goals is negotiated.  
This requires that each should have reasonably accurate
models of self and other which are regularly up-dated by free
communication between them." (Bowlby. A Secure Base. pg.131)

disengaged. disconnected. non- environment. art ego. bike persona. surface appearance. dis placed. visual miscommunications. missed and longing. nostalgic. surrounded. by unfamiliar. comparisons. com-petitions. com-parted ideas. incom-pleted. derailed. disengaged. disconnected. running off of itself. unlinked, memory, past. vision. window. picture. time. proximity. destination. goal. time. passed. missed. left. forgot it. there. something was on it. i didnt see it. i had to remember but i didnt. now i'm here. i can't go back. its left there and i have to establish it again. new. all over.

go on.. i looked up.. nothing.. so deep.. the color.. played it again.. this time drops rained.. and into the window, the curtain, light in hallway.. we aren't there... lying on the top of that hill over where people go when they want to see things up there... its .. the way .. we .. always .. wanted .. it to be